Sleepless in Scrubs

I missed another school event last night…because I had to work. I rolled into my front door at 9am because I had to stop and get groceries before I could go home. If I am fortunate, I will sleep like a rock, hard and solid. But, when the kids get home from school, they will be on their own again...struggling to stay quiet so I can sleep. When I finally awaken, I will stumble through a shower and make my way downstairs. I’ll attempt to listen to my kids tell me about their day, trying to retain what they are saying. Unfortunately a lot of it goes in one ear and out the other:(

Coffee. Where’s the coffee…

My husband gets home, I tell him what he needs to know about my day: I didn’t touch the laundry, I didn’t unload the dishwasher, dinner is not ready, and the kids just started on their homework…oh, and we need more coffee. He nods, gives me a hug and out the door I go.

My drive to work consists of some kind of caffeine drinking and clearing the fog from my head. What will be in store for me tonight? A high census? Call-ins? I stress myself out before I even get to work…..

Where am I going with this: well, I write this post as a tribute to the night nurses that I have had the pleasure to work with. Although I am jokingly called a traitor for accepting a day position, I can’t help but feel a bit sad for leaving such a great group of nurses, some of whom I can call my friends.

The conversations that go on at night are unforgettable.

At night, we get the crazies, the spontaneous labors, the A.M. scheduled c-sections in labor. Everything is a surprise. We are sleepy, but we are working hard. We are overlooked, but we are faithful. We are lonely, but united. We are irritable, but knowledgeable. We are independent, but deeply depend on each other. We work in the dark, but our humors are light. Our stomachs are bloated and our bladders are full. Life goes on without us, and we go on when life settles. We function in darkness, even in the daylight. We have found ourselves driving into our driveways with no memory of ever driving home.

Night shift friends, you’ve made me laugh when I’ve been at my very worst and helped me transition into the nurse that I am. When I see you, at change of shift, please know that I am forever grateful for you. XOXO 

A Wild Pair

I'll start off by saying that I am such a plane Jane when it comes to clothes. I try really hard to spruce up my wardrobe but mostly find my comfort in solid T's, hoodies, and yoga pants, that is when I am not wearing solid colored scrubs to work. I feel like such a rebel when I wear funky patterned socks with my scrubs....haha! I know, I am pathetic and I will get to the point now.....
Last week, the inside heel on one of my solid black, nicely worn in Dansko clogs broke (yes, I wear those silly nurses clogs....and not only to work). I tried for a few days to keep wearing them but it got to the point where it actually was painful.
Anyhow, I knew that if I took them back to Nordstrom, I could replace them. My first intention was to exchange them for another solid black pair but, being that I am trying to venture out of my comfort zone...I decided that I should order a funky pair like some of the nurses that I work with. I kept going back and forth with getting another black pair but, after almost an hour in Nordstrom I finally picked a  blue/black marbled pair and went with it. Not very funky but definitely a step in the right direction.

My size was not in stock so I had to place an order and wait for them to be shipped. Ughhh!
I don't usually order shoes online but being that I had already seen them in person and tried on another pair in my size at the store, what could go wrong???!


After three days of checking the mail...they came!

OH NO!!!! What is this?! So, NOT what I ordered! Is this a true sign that I need to be more adventurous? Can my personality pull these off? I tried them on.....nope, not liking them at all.

Back to Nordstrom they go and back to basic black I go! :(

I can do this!!!!

I have been blessed with the ability to juggle the things in life that matter to me. Yes, it is possible to be a working mother, soccer mom, PTA mom, domestic housewife (yes, I clean my own house) and still have a social life. One of the things I struggle with most, is guilt. I think that having a job outside the home adds another layer to the guilt that every mom feels.
 I have really struggled with is finding a true mentor in my current work place - someone who I look at and think that I want to be exactly like her. In the field of nursing, that can be quite challenging but, at least I do know the type of woman that I want to be...she's not perfect, but she works hard. She is a good nurse, wife and mother. She honors the Lord in all she does and raises her kids with dignity and love. All of this comes with sacrifice.
I find it quite comical that people often approach me and ask me ‘how I do it all?’ I find it funny because a lot of people see the ‘calm, cool, collected’ me that has it all together when it comes to balancing motherhood and being a somewhat workaholic. How can people think that I do this so easily? Only my husband sees some of the frantic episodes that occur more frequently than you think. So I'm going to burst your bubble...I can’t always ‘do it all’, but instead I have found what works for me. Fulfilling my dreams to become a nurse came with many sacrifices. Some sacrifices were not a big deal and others were painful.
 How did I become OK with that you might ask? A lot of prayer! I am the first to admit that I can be one of the world's worst about taking things into my own hands instead of waiting for God's direction. I recently had one of these times...I leaned heavily on my own abilities and ended up frustrated. I did finally come to a point where I came on my knees to God, asking for his path for my life. I'll admit that the answer I got wasn't exactly what I expected, but God granted me with a true peace about it.
So when you see me working double shifts, getting up for boot camp at 0500am, volunteering at the kids school and rushing home to have dinner with my family…know that I am grateful for every minute of it.

Salary of a Nurse

Somebody once asked: "Are you a nurse?!? I wanted to be a nurse when I was a kid. How much do you make?"
The nurse replied: "HOW MUCH DO I MAKE?"

Well.......
I can make holding your hand seem like the most important thing in the world when you're scared.
I can make your child breathe when they stop.
I can help your father survive a heart attack.
I can make myself get up at 5AM....... to make sure your mother has the medicine she needs to live.
I work all day to save the lives of strangers.
I make my family wait for dinner until I know your family member is taken cared of.
I make myself skip lunch so that I can make sure that everything I did for your wife today is charted.
I make myself work weekends and holidays because people don't just get sick Monday thru Friday.
Today, I might save your life.

So, how much do I make???

I make a difference.

My NCLEX experience

I won’t write about the days leading up to NCLEX as they can be described in one word: INSANE.
So, I arrived early to the testing facility. When I arrived on the eighth floor, the door to the testing center was locked and had a sign that said please wait for a representative to open the doors at 7:25.
I immediately starting speaking to another person waiting to take her exam. She was taking a pharmacy tech exam and was also just as nervous as I was. Except when I am nervous, I can’t stop talking…and because I left my phone in the car, this poor pharmacy girl was my victim. I learned many things about her: where she lived, went to school, kids, everything…….but, should have known by her short answers that I maybe I should maybe leave her alone…..I didn’t.
I was trying to get my mind at ease before they opened the doors to the testing center and this poor girl amused me.
Finally 7:30am the doors opened and we were asked to get a number and wait for our number to be called. I jumped at number 1, I can’t wait any longer than I already have to. There was a lady seated attentively and upright behind a desk. She looked up at me as I entered and sat. After I'd arranged myself in the chair, she called ‘number one please”.
Yes, I explained, that’s me.
She asked me what exam I was here to take, and I felt the tears welling up as I said, I am here to take my NCLEX exam.
"Your authorization to test and ID, please."
"Empty your pockets, take off your watch, and leave everything in this basket, grab a locker and keep the locker key with you. Please take this paper and read it. I will call you in a few minutes."
She was a very formal business woman, whose tone was as crisp as her pristine ironed shirt.
I sat and tried to read the paper regarding NCLEX exam policies and violations when I touched the cross pendant on my necklace (to say a little prayer) and my necklace broke. As I held the small crucifix in my hand I thought to myself - oh no, this is not a good sign. I’ve never worn this necklace before and the cross pendant was a graduation gift also not worn yet. I asked and was told that I was not allowed to carry my necklace in my pocket, I had to lock it up with the rest of my things (which consisted of a water bottle and set of keys), so I did.
When the woman was ready for me, I had to sign my name, let her finger print me, scan my palm 5 times, get my photo taken, sign my name again, lock up my things, on and on and on. Finally she gathered my papers, scanned my finger one last time, and walked with me two steps into the hallway.
There was a woman seated in the monitoring station, watching the test takers. Though calling it a monitoring station is a kind of visual understatement. Her station looked upon so many screens. She informed me that I would be monitored at ALL times by video and speaker. Yep, they can hear you breathe as you take your exam! WOW!
She took my ID as well, scanned my fingerprint, activated my test in the computer, and escorted me inside to my terminal. I noted that I was seated at computer #8, right smack dab in the middle of the room. I guess that’s what I get for grabbing that #1 ticket.
When the test finally began, it looked exactly like the review books describe them. I didn't feel nervous at that time. I felt like I had a really good chance.
Until I got terrified…..
I felt the exam was very difficult and then it cut off at 75. What? NO! I'm not done, I need more time. I was already crying so the tears just continued to flow. I had to raise my quivering hand to inform the lady that I was finished and to be escorted out and she scanned my fingerprint and palm again so I could leave.
I cried all the way to my car, I called hubby…no answer. Called my sister…no answer. called parents…..no answer. Called friends….no answer. ughhh. I needed to vent, where is everybody?
I checked the testing website and for some strange reason, my results had posted….I PASSED!
So, I cried even more.
I called a classmate/friend and we laughed and shared stories all the way home. She made me feel so much better. Thank you, Mispa!
Oh, and my broken necklace….it was a sign….a good one. That the Lord was with me that day like I asked him to and he was going to get me through this!
Studying nursing has been good for me in so many ways, I've grown past anxieties and gained a measure of self-confidence. The changes were subtle and slow, but when I look back, I'm amazed at how far I've come.
Finding a path in life that both complements and challenges you is a gift. In this crazy world, I was lucky that my ambition in life actually worked for me. I have shaped my character and strengthened my identity. Of course, it was tedious and downright depressing.
But here I am now, with a degree and initials after my name. After all of it... after everything... I made it.

The night shift

Lots of people don't like working night shifts. It makes you nocturnal, you miss out everything because you're comatose in bed, and sometimes people mistake your pasty skin for really bad makeup. For me, it’s a love/hate relationship.

I love the night shift staff, I love the ability to sleep in until 11am and get away with it on any given day.

There are, however, some things that make me wonder if I'm a little bit jacked in the head from working all these nights. Like this morning. I came home after 2 nights in a row of night shifts (after being on days for over a year), and was seriously craving for some waffles. I was so tired and really want to go to bed...but those waffles needed to come first.

There I was, standing at the counter with my toaster oven trying to stay awake. I’m still in my scrubs, I need to shower…. I really should...I could...but I don't.

Finally, my waffles are done, I sit on the couch, put on last nights’ Real Housewives of New Jersey, and begin to chow. I don’t care that I still have my scrubs on nor do I care about what could be on them after a 12 hour shift in Labor & Delivery! I was hungry and tired.
I don’t even know at what point I fell asleep but I was awakened by the sound of the garbage trucks taking my trash.
And guess what? Yep, my lovely waffles are now stuck in my hair, on my face, and on my beautiful 12 hour worn scrubs. Somehow I managed to keep it from getting on the couch, what a relief!
It’s not until I look in the mirror and laugh, that I shrug my shoulders, throw my arms in the air and say whatever!
I'm full, ten minutes from a carb coma, gotta work again tonight, and I'm going to bed.

I love/hate night shift.

Tassels to The Left......

I knew that my nursing degree, would be my most valued and hardest earned. During school, I worried a lot about working and going to school full time, and that I would miss out on time with my kids. I realize now that they were totally ready for whatever sacrifices they had to make. They wanted to see me in a job and career I liked. And as they approach college, it wasn't the worst thing in the world for them to see me getting a degree, and to see that sometimes you have to keep trying even when things don't go perfectly.
That middle shelf of books, has been my life for the past two years. Well, not completely.....I must say, the friends I made in the classroom and in clinicals were too. They will be lifetime friends. We will be following one another's career progress, and will definitely cross paths again.
These people who I studied with, commiserated with, cried with, sweated test scores with, people who came from every background and every age: we are forever bonded by this experience.
Those early red-eyed mornings, when coffee was just not doing the trick, another mess in the patients bed to clean, days we really missed our children, or those days when we felt like we did not know what the heck we were doing.....we got each other thru those crazy days! The best of times will be remembered too......the first time seeing a live birth, group lunches, squiggly neck hairs, getting all your meds administered on time......those are some good times.
But, as we say goodbye to the classroom, we open the door to a new life......can you believe we are nurses?!!!!
We all felt like this day would never get here and here we are!
CONGRATULATIONS, my dear classmates.....we made it!
I wish you luck in everything you do and wherever life takes you.

My cup runneth over

I am overwhelmed with emotions right now and I am going to attempt to put them into words so, here goes......

Yesterday, we felt the wonderful effects of a cold front that is traveling thru the north. And in the midst of the wonderful weather; last night my husband, kids, and friends hosted a congratulatory celebration in our neighborhood park for me. It was so nice to drive through my neighborhood and see people just casually enjoying the beautiful evening and also giving me hugs, presents, and congratulations. It is wonderful to know that I am surrounded by such caring people.

I didn't say very much because I knew I would cry. But I want to share what I wanted to say last night:

The last year has been the most difficult year of my life. At a time in my life when my cup seems to have so many holes in it, people around me just kept coming forward and pouring and pouring to fill it back up, when I felt at a loss. There were so many times that I wondered why I was in school so late in life. I know that it was my decision to start a family early and although I really enjoy being a mother, I felt the need to accomplish my life long goal of becoming a nurse. And I have painfully missed soccer games, school activities and birthday parties that I can never take back. Ours lives are filled with so many hard decisions these days. The emotional weight of it all has been wearing us down, but we can keep putting one foot in front of the other because we are surrounded by such loving friends and family.
Mike, kids, family, and friends: I have survived this year because of all of you. Thank you' doesn't seem like enough but I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

I don't know what I ever did to be worthy of such an outpouring of affection but it sustains me.

Thank you.

Need to vent, just a little

I normally don't do this but, sometimes it's just down right necessary! I'm human and I have a breaking point and react in ways I normally wouldn't......... hence, airing my dirty laundry via blogger. But, this will be the only and last time, I promise because I am bigger and better than this. So, here goes........

Some people don't know the truth and spread lies they heard from others. Others don't know the truth but, they promote misquided and faulty information......the worst thing you can do is lie to me or about me. Please don't do it, it just makes you look like a fool.

Always remember Proverbs 19:9

There, all done!!! Now, back to the old me :]

Some other beginnings end......

The first day of school for me, is one of the most exciting days of the year, especially as a child. There's was always a breezy excitement in the air. There’s a smell that I can’t quite pinpoint, I think it’s a mix of pink erasers, sharpened pencils, and new backpacks, that used to hit all my senses and made it that much more exciting.  
It sounds cheesy, but I actually got very nostalgic. That excitement came rushing back as I was pulling out my last syllabus of nursing school. I've waited a long time for this day. From this point on it’s the final count down.
This is itl…..the end of the nursing school road. Best of luck to everyone this semester, whether it’s your first or last – we’re all on this road together.
 

A letter for my kids: an apology

Dear Sydney, Naty, & Ethan,
Yes, I could have continued to just ‘stay at home’ but this family has one thing that many families don't: the eagerness to accomplish anything we set our minds to. When I got accepted into nursing school, love & support is the very least that I received from you all. This last year has been full of sacrifices from everyone around me, mostly you. At times I felt as though I was the only one going through the rocky times so, I just want you to know that I take full responsibility for the bumps in the road and promise to get things back t normal (if there is such a thing!)
I’m sorry for the mornings I wasn’t there to make your lunch and kiss you goodbye in front of the school. I’m sorry for the dinner plans that rotated around McDonalds or Chik-fil-a. I’m sorry for the mornings you woke me up instead of the other way around. I’m sorry for the last-minute book reports and projects that were forgotten. I’m sorry for the field trips and competitions and sports days that I wasn’t there to be a part of and to cheer you on. I’m sorry for the cupcakes I couldn’t bring, the cookies I didn’t bake and the class parties I couldn’t make. I’m sorry for the times I bought gifts to keep you busy instead of spending the time with you that I should have. I’m sorry for the times I yelled or snapped at you for minor things. I’m sorry that I projected my anger and frustration onto you way too many times. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the mother I should have been over these past months, that I had to focus so much of my attention school and exams. I hope you know that although it might have felt differently, I love you all more than anything in the world. I am thankful every day for the privilege of being your mother and I could not have gotten more perfect children. I pray that someday you will understand what happened during this time and that you will be forgiving of the many upsets and mistakes that were made. Mostly, I just pray that you always know how much you are loved.
I will make it up to you, that I can promise you.
Love,
Mommy, RN

A Latte to Learn

To know me is to know that I love my occasional Starbucks coffee. I keep within a budget in order to fulfill my love for it. With every sip, I revisit a talk with a friend, the change in weather, the current season, or the memories of coffee brewing at home while I was growing up.
Yes, my Starbucks has gotten me through some really difficult and very happy times in my life.
So, you can see why I was fascinated when I came across this book:
‘How Starbucks Saved My Life” by Michael Gates Gill.
I thought for sure it must be either a love story…two people who met and fell in love at Starbucks or better yet always crossed paths at Starbucks but never met…until they did.
Yeah, this title can mean many different things and my mind was wandering but, I was not expecting what the real story of the book was.
Michael Gill learned mostly about himself during his employment at Starbucks, and his lessons (not about coffee) are very translatable to all of us.
At one time in his life, Mr. Gill was the epitome of success. He was raised in the high society of New York, living in fancy apartments and going to private schools. In his own career as a senior advertising executive, he traveled widely, rubbing shoulders with the creme De La creme, including, quite literally, the Queen of England.
Then everything came crashing down around him. Without warning, he was fired. It turns out, neither past performance, experience nor contacts meant anything. Mr. Gill was expendable because of age and his own poor choices left him without his family or future job prospects. Most tragically, he lost all of his self-worth.
His story is an inspirational one based on how he came to be hired by the world’s largest coffee chain, the chain associated with competence and customer satisfaction, is instructive — but not as much as what he learned his first year on the job. These days, however, he's traded his thousand dollar suits for khakis and a green apron for a job as a Batista at Starbucks. But Gill says he couldn't be happier.
Losing his job turned out to be a gift in disguise.
It was within the world of Starbucks that he began really to see other people for who they are. He saw how people overcame obstacles that would have defeated him and saw how hard “simple” jobs can be. Just showing up on time, when you have no car and need to live in a decent place. He learned that this took a lot of effort.
This book reminds me of the kitchen and housekeeping staffs of large hospitals, the aides that are repeatedly late, or nurses whose need to leave on time is obvious. Their lives are ruled by time.

Mr. Gill didn’t change much — except his attitude. But that made all the difference. Instead of contributing to a stressful workplace, he found himself in an environment where appreciation of customers and fellow employees was important. He came to take pride in his accomplishments, even becoming the store’s best bathroom cleaner. His past snobbishness had accomplished nothing except to defeat other people.

The individual store in this book has much in common with an individual nursing unit or clinic. What does a book about Starbucks have to do with nursing? If you say, not much, you would be wrong. In each case, if everyone does not pull together, much can be lost: customers, patients and employees. Some managers have great gifts, bringing out the best in everyone. Some employees are the same. They pull their weight, help others and always look out for the general good.Others don’t. They create a hostile environment in which no one thrives. Mr. Gill shows how people of completely different backgrounds, abilities and motivations can come together and create something worthwhile.
With all this said, I think that everyone should read this book. It could open your mind to things that you never knew existed.

Seriously????

You know it is going to be a bad night when:

There is no one at home to make you a lunch.

Your latte girl at Starbucks is on vacation and the new girl has no idea how to make your drink and you have to explain 10 million times and she still screws it up!

There is no parking when you get to work so you have to take a hike to get there.

There is standing room only in the waiting room and the families look like vultures at you when you walk thru the door.

The first thing you hear when you get to the unit is "Really we aren't dumping on you."

And when you pitch in for take out your order is the only one messed up.
Aghhhh, I knew I should have called off! haha

Need a Reason?

Our Family Genre

If I had to pick a genre of television show that bests summarizes my life… what would it be?
Hmm, bear with me as I evaluate my options.

Drama: Some days with three little ones it is all about the drama. Even the smallest happening during the day turns into a momentous event that could last for hours. We spill a drink and the chaos begins. Some days, I feel like Lynette Scavo, from Desperate Housewives, who feels overwhelmed with being a working mom, my house is a mess, my kids are running wild and, I just want to cry.
My work days are very similar to an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. (only because I work in a hospital, not because we fool around in the on-call rooms). Working in a hospital, you never know what you are going to walk into at the beginning of your shift, every patient is unique in their own way, you are a part of life and death, and by the end of that long 12 hour shift, all you want to do is sleep! A day in the life of a nurse is very hectic, spur of the moment, and most rewarding job ever (next to be a mother of course) and I love it.
Soap Opera: Nope not a soap opera. I don’t allow negativity in my life, I don’t cause unnecessary drama, and I’m not a stay at home mom that wears heels and full make-up to do the laundry…..hello!!!! My kids really can be Young and Restless, though.
Food Network: I am constantly trying new recipes from all the cooking shows, I am no Paula Dean or Barefoot Contessa but I do try to have home-cooked meals on the table at dinner time on a regular basis. Diners, drive-ins and dives…we are always looking for new restaurants and mom-and-pop diners to try.
HGTV: Designers challenge can best describe me. I usually decorate by finding a picture of my favorite designer room and trying to duplicate it on a budget. Mike can be a regular on the before and after show, he has completely renovated the laundry room, garage, and is now working on our closets. We both work on trying to keep curb appeal and mission organization!
Action: There is always something going on. The kids constantly keep me on my toes, I am always running from here to there. My kids have their moments, you know the ones where they fight like they are competing on the Ultimate Fighting Championships, yeah we have those crazy days.
Reality TV: Sometimes I feel like we are the mini-version of a reality show. Dealing with day to day drama from the kids, neighbors, and family. We are no where near perfect but thankfully, no one is editing my life to pull out the worst and make a big deal out of it. We are very laid back and take each moment and run with it.
Sitcom: Where do I begin? This is very much us. We are probably most like the show Roseanne: a typical, working class family. Roseanne didn’t paint a picture of the perfect family life; instead her family faced hard issues head on. The man is a loving father and husband, often baffled by the bedlam of life. The kids keep life lively and challenging. My husband is a cross between Kevin James in King of Queens and Jim Belushi in According to Jim. He does crazy things sometimes but you have just got to love him. I am a little like Monica on Friends– a little intense sometimes, a good housekeeper, love to host, intelligent and loves her family and friends dearly. Add in a little craziness of The Office and you round out my week.

I guess in the end. The genre that most fits my life is documentary. We are watching and living life as it happens. No edits, just going through day-to-day experiences. Some days you cannot stop the tears, other days are non-stop action, some days you’d like to edit out the “real” you, and other days are just plain pee our pants funny. It’s all about documenting the memories of your life to remember for later.

I'm in Nursing School...get me outta here!

I saw this on a few other blogs and thought it was definitely worth re-posting!

Anyone who's been through nursing school, or going through it, will completely understand...

Student Nurse's Prayer

Lord, I know we go through this every day but please give me the knowledge as to why I actually wanted to go to nursing school.

Lord, give me the strength to make it through those boring three hour lectures without falling asleep.

Lord, please give me the patience to make it through twelve hour clinicals with instructors that can't just give you the right answer and on the same note, give the nurses the ability to remember what it was like to be a student and give us just a little more respect.

Lord, give me the endurance to read all the assigned readings and be able to remember it when I am taking a test with four right answers.

Lord, give my family and friends the ability to realize I really am on the edge of insanity.

Finally...Lord, give me the vision to see that one day I will be a real nurse and I will never have to wear this ugly uniform again. - author unknown

AMEN!!!